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Martina McGowan MD

life lived by the Book

Stories We Tell Ourselves: I Worry About What Others Think About Me pt 1

You can be hurt, not by what others think of you,

but by what you think of what they think

or you think they think of you. 

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

In the last post, we talked about how to instill the positive belief that we are worthy of success. Do you still harbor doubts about yourself? Do you wonder what others think about you? Today, we will take a look at this limiting belief.

This is one of the most common limiting beliefs that people struggle with. We worry, and even obsess over, what others think about us.

We worry that if we are too successful, people will think you’re stuck up and supercilious. We worry that if we are not successful enough, people will look down on you.

If we stand up for ourselves, we worry that people will think we are overly assertive. If we try to be peacemakers, we worry that we will come across as a weakling, a doormat.

Worrying about what others think of us can be incredibly draining. It saps our time, our energy, and can suck all the joy out of life. It keeps us from being productive and often causes us to second guess ourselves at every turn.

Our limiting belief is that if we do, or don’t do certain things, others will think less of us.

If we do not keep this limiting belief in check, it can become an obsession. It can keep us from pursuing our dreams and cause us to constantly be afraid of what others are thinking.

The fear of what others think of us can be like a great weight hanging around our necks, dragging us down, and keeping us from making forward progress.

Now let us rethink and rewrite this limiting thinking into a set of empowering beliefs.

Limiting Thinking:

● “I worry about what others will think about me.”

Empowering Beliefs:

● “What truly matters is what I think of myself.”
● “My opinion of myself is the one that counts.”
● “I am secure in who I am.”
● “I avoid striving to make everyone happy.”

The key to rewriting this limited mindset is to realize that what others think of you simply does not matter. In the long game of life, does it matter if others think more or less of you? No, it doesn’t.

What truly matters is what you think of yourself.

Next week we will talk about how to start making this shift.

Chat soon.

Martina

Stories We Tell Ourselves: I Don’t Deserve Success pt 2

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all.

Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach.

The world you desire can be won.

It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it’s yours.

~ Ayn Rand

Last week we explored the limiting belief that many of us hold:

● “I am unworthy of success.”

Today we will talk a bit more about replacing these words and thought with much more empowering beliefs, as well as the “why” and the “how” of getting that done.

Better thoughts:

● “I am worthy of success.”
● “I am valuable simply because of who I am.”
● “I deserve success and all the benefits that come with it.”

Ask yourself, “Who is worthy of success

The answer is EVERYONE, including us. There is no reason we should not experience and enjoy success in life.

Always remember that you are worthy and valuable simply because of who you are. We do not have to use our precious and limited time to demonstrate to others that we are worthy of success. We are worthy of succeeding simply because we are ourselves.

Our new belief becomes, “I am worthy of all the success in the world!”

No matter what anyone has told us in the past, we deserve success and all the benefits that come with it. We deserve to achieve things and make some of our dreams come true. If we work hard, we are worthy of the reward we receive.

Action Steps

● Write down every reason you think that you are not worthy of success.

● Cross out every one of those reasons.

● Replace that list with a list of reasons you are genuinely worthy of success.

● Review that list on a daily basis. Tape it to your bathroom mirror, your breakfast nook table, your desk, or someplace you will be forced to see it every day.

Affirmation

I affirm that I am worthy of success in the world.

Regardless of what anyone has said to me, regardless of what I have thought about myself in the past, I choose now to believe that I am worthy of success!

I believe that I deserve to achieve my dreams and accomplish my most worthy goals.

I refuse to continue to think small, unworthy thoughts about myself.

Instead, I embrace my greatness, knowing I am worthy simply because of who I am.

Write out this affirmation, and do the same things with your list from above. Put it somewhere you will see it and say it aloud at least once daily.

Our self-talk, most of which is negative keeps us trapped in many ways, small talk, small thoughts, and small actions. We tend to replay our internal recordings about how we are not good enough, how unworthy we are, how unjust the world is, how stuck we are, and how much we hate that stuckness.

We can only improve our outlook about life, the world around us, and the people we care about if we can make the bold step of improving our thoughts about ourselves. And the acting on those thoughts and words.

Chat soon.

Martina

Stories We Tell Ourselves: I Don’t Deserve Success pt 1

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe,

deserve your love and affection.

Sharon Salzberg

And, I would add to today’s quote, respect. We deserve our respect!!

In the last blog, we learned how taking responsibility for our circumstances actually provides us a way out of them. But what if – even if we do take responsibility – we never seem to achieve our goals? Today, we’ll talk about one possible cause of this mismatch and how to overcome it.

With this limiting attitude, regardless of how much progress we make, we always feel like we fall short.

It could be that somewhere deep inside, we don’t believe that we deserve success. We feel that we are not good enough, smart enough, or lovable enough to be worthy of the successes we seek.

This is a very devious, insidious way of thinking about ourselves.

We believe that others are more worthy of success, but when we look at our own lives, we refuse to believe that we should experience those same things. This can happen in any realm. We feel out of step, out of touch with whatever may lead to success or has led us to success in the past. We feel like frauds. We feel like impostors.

This can lead us to self-sabotage. When we start to get close to success, we start to do things that limit us. Maybe we are even afraid of succeeding, and so the closer we get to success, the more afraid we become.

Our limiting thought is that we are unworthy of success.

This seriously limits the progress we can make. After all, we can’t achieve big things if we don’t think that we deserve them. We won’t be able to manage the motivation to keep going if we feel unworthy of success.

You absolutely must rewrite this belief!

Current Limiting Belief:

● “I am unworthy of success.”

Empowering Beliefs:

● “I am inherently worthy of success.”
● “I am valuable simply because of who I am.”
● “I deserve success and all the benefits that come with it.”

Ask yourself this question: Who is worthy of success?

The answer is EVERYONE, including you. There is no reason that you shouldn’t experience success.

Remember that!

Each of us is worthy and valuable simply because of who we are. We do not have to do anything to make ourselves worthy of success, or to prove our worthiness. We are worthy of succeeding simply because we are ourselves.

Chat soon!

Martina

Stories We Tell Ourselves: I Am Not Responsible For My Current Situation pt 2

Take responsibility of your own happiness,

never put it in other people’s hands.

Roy T. Bennett

Last week, we started talking about taking responsibility for our current situation. It is not always a pleasant task, but a necessary one. We all make mistakes in life, take missteps, and follow bad or questionable advice, but at the end of the proverbial day, it is we who have made the choice to make the moves. Maybe it was an investment that did not work out for you. Or, you are staying in a job you really hate because your best friends are there. Or, perhaps it’s a mountain of debt that seems impossible to rein in.

Let’s look at some ways to start to dig our way out…

Our current self-talk: 

● “I’m not responsible for where I am in life.”

Better Self-talk:

● “I am fully responsible for my life.”
● “I take ownership of my circumstances.”
● “I refuse to play the victim game.”
● “I can create different circumstances.”
● “I am in charge of my life and determine what it looks like.”

If we are going to make progress in life, it is essential that we take full responsibility for the circumstances in which we find ourselves. Yes, other people play a role in our lives, but ultimately, we are responsible for what we accept, what we do, and what we refuse.

If we find ourselves in a particular set of circumstances, it is because we have accepted them. We have decided that we are okay with those circumstances and we have chosen not to make any real efforts to change them.

Our new belief is: “I am fully responsible for every area of my life.”

This is actually an incredibly freeing belief. Once we accept that we created our current circumstances, we can then go about figuring out ways to change them.

You can take the necessary actions to change our lives in incredible, ways. We do not have to stay stuck. We do not have to be or play the victim. We are in charge of our lives, and we can reshape them to be closer to what we want them to be. This is not magic!! It will not happen overnight, but we can make changes.

Action Steps

● Write down any circumstances you are unhappy about.

● Take full ownership of those circumstances, even if others played a part in creating them.

● Identify specific action steps you must take to change your circumstances.

● Daily affirm that you are completely in control of your life and that you are responsible for the outcomes.

Affirmation

I am the captain of my fate.

I am responsible for every positive and negative thing that comes into my life and stays in my life.

I take full ownership of the current state of my life.

I do what is necessary to create the life I desire.

I refuse to play the victim of circumstances beyond my control or feel that I am at the complete mercy of others.

Instead, I take action.

This is my life and I can build it how I please.

We get one precious life. We all make mistakes, but we can choose not to wallow in them for the rest of our days. We can take ownership, do something and make lasting changes. Pick a thread of your life that you are not completely satisfied with right now. It is your choice. Do nothing about it, except keep worrying, and wasting mental time and energy on it. Or, get up, make a plan, and do something different!!

Much love.

Chat soon.

Martina

Stories We Tell Ourselves: I Am Not Responsible For My Current Situation pt 1

Optimism is a strategy for making a better future.

Because unless you believe that the future can be better,

you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so. 

Noam Chomsky

Today, let’s begin to analyze how harmful it is when we think that we are merely victims of circumstances. When we buy into the notion that life goes by without our input, or our ability to make an impact on the course of things. When we accept or decide that we are just pawns in some grander scheme we can’t even pretend to understand. That our fates, our destinies, and our futures are already etched in stone, and we can neither escape nor change them. Taken on its own, away from all our other beliefs and stories we hold dear, can you see how severely limiting this belief is to us? Let’s see how…

It is all too easy to play the blame game. To believe that someone else, anyone else, is responsible for the situation we find ourselves currently in. To assume that our circumstances are the products of other people’s actions, and never our own.

When we don’t hold ourselves responsible for our current conditions, it allows us to remain caught in those circumstances. After all, if we did not create the problems or circumstances, surely we cannot be held responsible for changing them.

And so, we don’t make any forward progress. We fall back on such thoughts as, “I can’t believe that they put me in this position. This is not my fault. I am not responsible for where I currently am.”

The limiting mindset is that we are not responsible for where we currently are in life. Someone else did this to us.

This thinking allows us to play the constant victim. When something goes wrong in life, we can simply blame it on others and the circumstances they have placed us in.  We refuse to take ownership of our own situation. And, therefore, we can absolve ourselves of any need to try to fix it.

It also means we never learn, or we never have to. Because if we are unhappy with our circumstances we have choices to make. Either we can accept things as they are, never expecting them to change, let alone, improve. Or, we make an effort to learn how to make things different.

Let’s look at ways to rewrite this mantra into something much more empowering:

Our current self-talk:

● “I’m not responsible for where I am in life.”

Better Words:

● “I am fully responsible for my life.”
● “I take ownership of my circumstances.”
● “I refuse to play the victim game.”
● “I can create different circumstances.”
● “I am in complete charge of my life and determine what it looks like.”

If you’re going to make forward progress in life, it’s absolutely essential that you take 100% responsibility for the circumstances in which you find yourself. Yes, other people play a role in your life, but ultimately, you are responsible for what you accept and what you refuse.

Next week, we’ll talk about some action plans to flesh out or better self-talk. It is the voice we listen to most often. So, let’s see if we can give it a new and improved monologue.

Chat soon.

Martina

Stories We Tell Ourselves: I Compare Myself To Others pt 2

We shift from comparing ourselves to others

to considering our real needs and desires.

We shift from “more” to “enough” and

ultimately get more of what money can’t buy.

Priceless.

Vicki Robin

Last week we chatted about how limiting it can be to compare ourselves to others rather than being satisfied with our own achievements, progress, and milestones.

We are starting from the ground zero limiting belief of:

● I compare myself to others.

To more empowering beliefs:

● The achievements of others will not determine my value!
● I am valuable simply because of who I am.
● “What matters most is what I achieve, not what others achieve.”
● I am more than the sum total of my accomplishments.

In order for us to rewrite this limiting belief in our minds, it is essential that we understand that the achievements of others simply do not matter to us. Don’t get me wrong. It is not that they lack importance, but the achievements of others cannot and should not be the basis of our worth, success, or value.

We are valuable simply because of who we are. We have inherent value and worth. Our successes should be celebrated, not simply compared to the successes of others.

It matters little how much someone else succeeds. What matters is what we achieve.

Your new belief is, “I am worthy, and I refuse to compare myself to others. Whether I achieve ‘a lot’ or ‘a little,’ I am still valuable and worthy.”

In our performance-driven culture, it is easy to feel that we are nothing more than our accomplishments. But nothing could be further from the truth. Our value simply comes from who we are as people.

Yes, it is important to be productive and seek to accomplish our goals. But if we remain so focused on what others are doing and getting,  we will never be happy or content. As Theodore Roosevelt said, our joy will be stolen by comparing ourselves to others.

Action Steps

● Regularly remind yourself that your value is not tied to your achievements.

● Daily affirm that you are enough and that you are worthy.

● Refuse to compare yourself to others.

Affirmation

“I refuse to believe that my value is tied solely to my achievements. I know that I am valuable and worthy simply because of who I am.

Whether I achieve “a lot” or “a little,” I know that I am still enough, and I refuse to fall into the trap of comparing myself to others. The achievements of others have no bearing on my value.

I celebrate my wins without worrying about the accomplishments of others.

I. Am. Enough.”

Next Time

In our next session, we will talk about why we WANT to take responsibility for our own circumstances.

Chat soon.

Martina

Stories We Tell Ourselves: I Compare Myself To Others pt 1

We become so absorbed in our flaws and faults that we forget that it is better to be a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.

To have flaws is beauty in itself, a fact so frightening that we hurry to hide them from sight and tarnish the whole in the process

of comparing ourselves to others.

Forrest Curran

Previously, we have looked at how criticizing ourselves for our lack of great progress can make us feel like giving up altogether.

Today, we will begin discussing how comparing ourselves to others can make us feel much the same way. Of course, we’ll also share some tools we can use to crush this limiting belief. Let’s see how…

It is all too easy and commonplace to compare ourselves to others. We see the success that someone else is having and then compare that to our own levels of success, or lack thereof. We compare our accomplishments to the accomplishments of others. We judge ourselves by what others are achieving. Or, in this age of social media and hype, what they appear to be achieving.

If someone else seems to be accomplishing more than us, it makes us feel like failures.

We feel like we should be accomplishing at least as much, if not more, than others. And so, we feel terrible about ourselves. As if we don’t have much to offer the world. Like a loser, of sorts. But, life is not a contest. We are each an important piece in the grand scheme of life, and we each have unique roles to play in our small or large chunk of the world.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Theodore Roosevelt 

As we compare ourselves to others, we are allowing their achievements to determine how much joy we feel in life. We give others the power to control us and our emotions.

Rewriting The Limiting Belief

Limiting Belief:

● “I compare myself to others.”

Empowering Beliefs:

● “The achievements of others do not determine my value.”
● “I am valuable simply because of who I am.”
● “What matters most is what I achieve, not what others achieve.”
● “I am more than my accomplishments.”

In order for us to rewrite this limiting belief in our minds, it is essential that we understand that the achievements of others do not matter to us. That is not that they aren’t important. But, it is to say that they do not determine our worth, success, or value. Of course, unless we allow that poison to seep into our minds.

No on can make you feel inferior without your permission.

Elenore Roosevelt

Let that marinate for a while…

Next time we’ll talk about tools to help us put this notion to rest.

Chat soon.

Martina

Stories We Tell Ourselves: Lack Of Major Progress Means Failure part 2

“We always hope for the easy fix:

the one simple change that will erase a problem in a stroke.

But few things in life work this way.

Instead, success requires making a hundred small steps go right

– one after the other, no slipups, no goofs,

everyone pitching in.”

Atul Gawande

Picking up from last week‘s post, progress is made by small consistent steps. It does not require a grand leap to move us forward. And, we sell ourselves short by not celebrating our wins along the journey. Not recognizing simple, smaller progress robs us of the joy inherent in our journey forward. Of course, the big celebrations should come at the completion of the task or job. But we need to be cognizant of keeping ourselves and others motivated and focused as we inch toward our goal lines.

The Limiting Belief We Want to Let Go Of:

● “Lack of major progress equates with failure.”

More Empowering Beliefs We Can Hold:

● “Small, steady progress is the win.”
● “Small successes add up to progress over time.”
● “I celebrate my victories no matter their size.”
● “Consistency is what matters!”

In order to rewrite our beliefs, we must understand that even the smallest progress on our goals is a win. Small bits of progress on a consistent basis add up over time and lead to larger successes. We may not be making huge leaps of progress on a daily basis, but we must believe that it is okay, or it becomes too difficult to move to the next day, the next step.

We have to stop judging our success by whether we’re making big jumps forward. We can choose to judge our success by our consistency.

Some days we will have trouble being consistent with our goals, but that’s okay, too.

● Stop!!!

● Go back to your action steps.

● Focus on the most important task first thing each day and seek to make a small amount of progress on the task at hand. “First thing” means something a little different for each of us. First thing in the morning if that is when you work best. The first thing you do when you sit at your desk after your morning chat, etc.



Action Steps

● Break down your large goals into very manageable pieces or manageable time frames.

● Each day, seek to get one small element of your goal done.

● Instead of evaluating how much progress you’re making on your goals, trust the process of doing one thing every single day.

Affirmation

I affirm that I am making progress on my goals, even if that progress may seem small and relatively insignificant today.

I choose to celebrate my small wins, knowing that each small win brings me one step closer to my overall goal.

I refuse to criticize myself for what I perceive to be a lack of progress. Instead, I focus all my attention on the steps I am making forward because each small step forward is a victory.

Next Time…

The posts will tackle the trap many of us fall into – comparing ourselves to others. This is another habit that robs us of joy while destroying our confidence. We will share tools to help us break out of this need and realize how valuable you really are.

Chat soon.

Martina

Stories We Tell Ourselves: Lack Of Major Progress Means Failure pt 1

It is better to take many small steps in the right direction

than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.

Louis Sachar

In our last post, we talked about how all the resources we need to reach our goals are already available to us. Today, we will discover that we do not need gigantic wins to reach our goals – small successes get us there as well. How easy it always is for us to criticize ourselves for a lack of major progress on our goals. We feel that if we are not making significant progress every single day, then we are at risk of becoming a failure. Maybe we have a list of goals that we want to achieve and that list haunts us. It can serve as a painful reminder of all that we have not achieved. So, every day we feel like we have failed. We are inundated with articles and nudges that conspire to make us feel like the truly productive people in the world succeed by making leaps and bounds of progress on a daily and consistent basis. Our limiting belief is that our lack of major progress on our goals means that we have failed. We often fall into a funk, continually criticizing and berating ourselves for not achieving more, and not achieving it faster. For not being more successful. This thinking can leave us feeling frustrated with ourselves and feel like throwing in the towel. Now let’s rethink and rewrite this limiting belief into a set of empowering beliefs. Limiting Belief: ● “Lack of major progress equates with failure.” More Empowering Beliefs: ● “Small progress is a win.” ● “Small successes add up to progress over time.” ● “I celebrate my victories no matter their size.” ● “Consistency is what matters!” We will pick up on this empowered thinking and ways to incorporate it into a healthier mindset next week. Chat soon.

Martina

The Stories We Tell Ourselves: My Resources Are Limited pt 2

Never surrender your hopes and dreams to the fateful limitations others have placed on their own lives.

The vision of your true destiny does not reside within the blinkered outlook of the naysayers and the doom prophets.

Judge not by their words, but accept advice based on the evidence of actual results.

Do not be surprised should you find a complete absence of anything mystical or miraculous in the manifested reality of those who are so eager to advise you.

Friends and family who suffer the lack of abundance, joy, love, fulfillment and prosperity in their own lives really have no business imposing their self-limiting beliefs on your reality experience.

Anthon St. Maarten

Today we take the next step from the last blog post, from the mindset that either we do not have enough in terms of resources or that we ourselves are not enough to pursue our dreams and desires. Sometimes these thoughts are purely our own. Too often these limitations come from often well-meaning family and friends, worm their way into our subconscious, and we treat them as gospel. Stop!

Let us switch to more empowering thinking:

● “The universe is full of abundant resources.”
● “There is more than enough to go around.”
● “I can get whatever I need to accomplish my wildest dreams.”
● “I can create more of what I focus on.”

The reality is that we live in an abundant universe that has more than enough for everyone. There is no limit to the resources available if we simply start looking for them and opening ourselves to receive them.

This mindset is called an “abundance” mindset. Instead of believing that there are too few resources available, we choose to view the world as a place that has more than enough to go around.  Instead of dreaming small with limited thinking, we should dream big because we know that all that we need is available.

Our new belief is that the universe has everything we need in order to pursue our biggest dreams and goals.

If we want to receive more from the universe, we have to focus on what we want to receive, make the appropriate changes in ourselves and in our lives, and, believe that we are capable of getting it. Faith is the key!

Action Steps:

When I was much younger, I hear a quote that has stuck with me all my life:

In order to accomplish something different,

you must be willing to do something different.

Nothing changes in our lives without action!!!

That is with repeating. Nothing will change in our lives without taking action!

● Journal: Make a list of all the specific things you need to receive in order achieve your biggest hopes and dreams.

● Instead of focusing on what you do not have, fix all your attention on what you want to receive. You create more of what you focus on.

Affirmation

The universe is abundant. I believe there is more than enough for everyone, and that resources are plentiful.

The people and resources I need to achieve my goals come my way when I need them, and I gratefully and wholeheartedly open myself up to receive them.

I dream big, abundant dreams.

With eager anticipation, I look forward to the future, knowing that it is good and exciting.

Let me know if this series is helpful to you. And, if you have additional ideas about improving or stories of your success in changing your mindset, please share them in the comments.

Chat soon.

Martina

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