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Martina McGowan MD

life lived by the Book

Are You Living or Simply Waiting?

We never live;

we are always in the expectation of living.

Voltaire

We have reached the end of one year and the beginning of another.

This post has been delayed because 2021 and I parted ways with a bang. I took a bad tumble on New Year’s Eve Day and have been in recovery mode for a few days. I am still on the mend, sporting a nasty scar on my nose, but all things considered, I am very lucky. Back to the post…

Often this time of year is steeped in sadness about all the things that went wrong, the things we did not accomplish, and things we could have done differently, if not better. Sometimes these are current issues. But they may also be old hurts, wrongs, or losses that have not healed well.

Every ending is a fresh beginning, and we rob ourselves by carrying all the grief from the past into a new day, a new era. Later this year, I will talk about setting goals if that’s what you are into. But, today, I want us to stop, think and celebrate.

Stop yourself amid all the chaos, the buying frenzy, the lockdown worries, the panic of elections to come, all of it. Just put it aside.

Think about our own lives. Lived large on a grand scale, or lived small, we each impact the life of another. We get to choose the impact we want to make. They get to choose how to take the information in and what to use of it, or even to discard it.

Celebrate all wins, even partial victories.

Did you save a few bucks, or maybe just spent a little less than you usually do?

Did you lose a little weight, not gain weight, or only gain a few pounds?

Did you make it to the gym, or go walking with a few friends in a socially responsible way, rake some leaves on any day?

Did you laugh this year?

Did you make someone else smile just by showing up and being yourself?

Did you grow in some way you wanted, or unexpectedly?

Did you learn something new this year, even if it was about yourself?

There is a win, a celebration, in almost every action. And if we can’t find the win, we should look for the lesson. Still a win!

Life is far from perfect for any of us. Perfection is an illusion. But life is also not terrible for many of us, and we need to learn to keep that in perspective.

Every single day is a gift, not a day to be wasted rehashing our failures. To quote a good friend, “Every Day is Day One.”

If you are not regularly feeling some joy course through your veins, then you are just waiting. Only you know what you might be waiting for.

Is every day a grand success? No, of course not! But every day is also not the end of the known universe. Our sun will probably shine again in the morning.

The essence of today’s message:

Every. Day. Is. A. Gift.

Never stop living.

Never stop loving.

Never stop creating.

Never, ever stop learning.

Never stop teaching, mentoring, showing others the way.

Never stop being all you can be, even if it’s different than who you were before.

Never stop giving your all.

Never stop improving.

Always express gratitude

Do not be afraid to show up in a space where you may be the solution.

And, keeping my recent injury in mind, remember that we are finite. Time is of the essence.

Always think well of yourself, beloved!!

You are loved and you are an important piece in this puzzle of life.

Note- Because of our delay, I will share my Word of the Year in next week’s post.

Chat soon.

Martina

Be Careful What You Feed Your Mind

Because what you give your attention to is the person you become. Put another way: the mind is the portal to the soul, and what you fill your mind with will shape the trajectory of your character. In the end, your life is no more than the sum of what you gave your attention to. That bodes well for those apprentices of Jesus who give the bulk of their attention to him and to all that is good, beautiful, and true in his world. But not for those who give their attention to the 24-7 news cycle of outrage and anxiety and emotion-charged drama or the nonstop feed of celebrity gossip, titillation, and cultural drivel. (As if we “give” it in the first place; much of it is stolen by a clever algorithm out to monetize our precious attention.) But again: we become what we give our attention to, for better or worse.
John Mark Comer

This morning I woke up wondering when I had been eliminated from the British Bake Off and why I was chilling instead of getting my ingredients ready
You can guess I fell asleep watching.

I called these gossamer dreams. The ones you’re trying to hold onto as a new day begins to come into focus.

I grew up when the news was full of race riots and wars. Many of the violent scenes from TV would creep into my dreams robbing me of a good night’s rest. Rest, I found was much more important to the next day’s functioning than any information I could garner from being an eyewitness to chaos.

A few decades ago, I stopped intentionally watching the news especially during breakfast or running around getting ready for work. But more significantly, I stopped using the news is part of my bedtime routine before settling in for the night you. Long before the proliferation of talking heads fake news etc. I found that the news was not an effective sleep agent. For my morning scramble, it added little useful or actionable knowledge to my database and was often upsetting.

The point is this:

Just as you try to care about what you put into your body, you should use the same care in what feed your body, mind, and spirit. Our subconscious is always working. It is always trying to piece things together and turn chaos, and everything else into something logical and actionable.

I don’t know about you, but I am okay with waking up wondering how I lost my slot in some random baking contest. This sounds preferable to waking, carrying assault rifle, running for my life, haunted by some bit of hateful rhetoric from vindictive and overpaid news anchor, or chased by zombies I can’t shake trying to reach my house.

Yes, knowing what’s going on in the world is important to a degree. Even without the talking heads you’ll find out from friends and acquaintance, social media or by some other means. Important news will find you. And you can follow up through channels that you trust. And, of course, we are not just talking about news, but about everything you pour into your mind.

Your spirit and peace of mind are important.

Do not squander your peace of mind on things, or people for that matter, that will never nourish you.

Chat soon.

Martina

Winter Solstice 2021

Ending another long, dreary day
The sunset rekindles the sky
Ushering the Solstice forward
Beckoning the Great Conjunction
The return of Light
The meeting of minds
And communion with ancestors
A Season of Change
Longing for more, for less
Our hopes and prayers accompany
The turning of the wheel
To open our eyes, illumine our hearts
Matching the coming of great seasons
Of joy and love

@ Copyright 2021 Martina Green McGowan, MD

Photo by Photo by Marc Clinton Labiano on Unsplash

Learning to Be Grateful, Loving Ourselves

It’s a funny thing about life,

once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for,

you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack.

Germany Kent

Most of us live fortunate lives. We have clean water to drink, places to live, and family. But with the piling on of letdowns and disappointments, we forget that we are blessed in so many ways.

I have friends who keep gratitude journals or make a list of a specific number of things to be grateful for each day. I journal and occasionally write Morning Pages but am not so focused on gratitude specifically.

What I am willing to commit to this coming year is slowing down and stepping back occasionally to celebrate some of my wins. More importantly, to give me credit, an occasional high 5 or pat on the back, and be genuinely pleased with the completion of a task or an accomplishment, even if it’s something as “minor “as completing the list of chores I have mentally set for myself. And honestly, sometimes, just making it through another day. That should warrant an occasional smile.

Life is already hard around us.

We need to learn to make it less hard inside us.

Turn down that super-harsh inner critic and be genuinely happy for yourself.

Learn to be proud of what you do and catch yourself saying, “Yes, I did that!!!”

And, how about a tiny round of applause for yourself??

What are you willing to commit to changing that will help make next year different?

Chat soon.

Martina

Thinking of Others. It’s Not Just a Holiday Vibe.

The strongest people find the courage and caring to help others,

even if they are going through their own storm.

Roy T. Bennett

It is that time of year when we think deeply about others and about ourselves. We think of others, especially is they are close to us the rest of the year, but the end of the year brings us and our place in the world to the forefront of our minds.

Holidays tend to “demand” some type of gift giving or faux “quality time” with people with whom we don’t often (want to) spend extended time, some of our bosses, a few of our co-workers, and extended family. And, even for those we do interact with, because of the unique demands of the season, we begin to recognize that many are facing tough times.

Thinking of others facing hard times brings us closer to others.

When we are able, we need to embrace the opportunity to lend a helping hand to another person. It is often easier to say yes when people reach out during difficult situations.

When someone runs across our minds, we should take it seriously. It means that a sixth sense is alerting us about the person who is crying out for help.

When someone unexpectedly enters my mind, at the very least I reach out to call or text them. And we are not speaking only of financial needs. Often people just need a spark of kindness, a quick thanks for something they have done for us, or just to be in the presence of another human being who understands what they are going through or will take the time to listen. The connection that active thinking creates pushes me to reach out and find out how I can relieve a bit of their distress. I feel a sense of loyalty whenever someone connects with me on this spiritual level.

Spending time actively thinking about others allows us to feel oneness with them. We become invested in each other’s lives.

Our empathy strengthens the more we reach out to others facing challenges. The more we do it, the more natural it becomes to show compassion when we open ourselves up to tough situations that others are going through.

Today, consider the circumstances of each person you encounter. Doing this makes it easy to identify when someone yearns for our support.

Be willing to be that person that others feel free to call on.

Note:

This is also the time of year we reflect on the past year(s) and begin to think about what we may want to let go of and what we may wish to do differently going forward. Some people mark this with NewYear’s Resolutuins, while may others choose a word or theme to carry them through.

This past 18 months with the pandemics, lockdowns and the Great Resignation has demononstrated that the world is changing. What will you change? Please share in the chat.

Talk soon.

Martina

Embrace Being True to Yourself

Now I understand that in order to feel a true sense of belonging, I need to bring the real me to the table and that I can only do that if I’m practicing self-love.

For years I thought it was the other way around: I’ll do whatever it takes to fit in, I’ll feel accepted, and that will make me like myself better.

Just typing those words and thinking about how many years I spent living that way makes me weary.

No wonder I was tired for so long!

Brené Brown

It is important that we find at least one thing that we are passionate about. Something our lives we would  do whether we got paid for it or not.  This is our heart. And probably an important part of getting through the toughest of times. It a thing we can fall back on when everything else seems to fall apart.

For me, it is writing. I write primarily because I enjoy it.

I am not focused on trying to get paid, boost my number, make it to the New York Times best sellers list, or any of a host of other potential awards or recognitions. Perhaps I should be more concerned with these things, but I am not.

I write almost daily because it brings a sense of peace to my spirit.

If you have read items here on the blog, or my poetry, you already know that I tend to write about serious topics and hard truths much of the time. Many of these are tough writes for me, but things I feel need to be said or explored.

Find your true center, your true heart, your true art. Whatever that thing is for you may not appear as art to someone else, but it does not matter.

Explore it.

Make it part of your daily routine.

Look forward to getting to do it

Feed your spirit for its own sake and for your own sanity.

Yes, awards, accolades, and external props are nice to get. But we lose our way if we make those external validations into must-haves or turn them into hard and fast goals with no ability to move the bar. We tend to exert increasing pressure from the inside and demand better and better outcomes of ourselves with no change in our resources. If what you are picturing right now is your work or your sole income source, then of course, common sense demands that you “follow the money.” Do what you need to for work, but…

I think, ultimately most of us will find that our joy and happiness, contrary to what we have been taught, lies within us, and does not necessarily require outside validation. I write because I enjoy it. Will most of my work get published or be seen by others? No.

Find a thing you love doing. Writing, painting, hiking, element collecting (periodic table), extreme ironing, or competitive duck herding, and just enjoy doing it for the simple pleasure and the full range of emotion that it brings. Yes, those are all real things.

Obtain the minimal tools required to carry your dream forward. Again, use common sense for any advice by anyone. Don’t spend money you don’t have, and don’t buy every tool recommended by “the experts.” Get what you need to get started.

For writing its simple. A pencil and a composition notebook I can get almost anywhere and can carry everywhere.

Just get started!!

The rest, as they say, is gravy.

Chat soon.

Martina

How to Embrace the Lost Art of Effective Listening

This is the problem with dealing with someone who is actually a good listener.

They don’t jump in on your sentences, saving you from actually finishing them, or talk over you, allowing what you do manage to get out to be lost or altered in transit.

Instead, they wait, so you have to keep going.

Sarah Dessen

It’s not news to anyone that we live in a highly distracting and distractable world. And, that most of the sounds, pictures, videos, etc. are just that, distractions.

There are people in our lives, at home and at work, with whom we would like to make stronger bonds.  But with all the modern technology at our disposal for communicating better, many people seem to have forgotten how to communicate clearly with others, whether on a call or standing right next to them. Listening has become a lost art.

Knowing how to listen effectively comes with lots of benefits. It can strengthen our marriages, liaisons, and partnerships and boost our careers. But we must take time to learn to do it effectively.

The next time someone wants to talk with you, or you want to approach someone, consider these steps:

1. Focus your attention on them

Our activities and movements during a conversation demonstrate to the other person how important they are to you. When we are fully paying attention only to them, not only does it lift them up, but we are also more likely to fully comprehend what is being said and prevent misunderstandings and miscommunication.

  • Sit or stand still. Stop whatever else you’re doing.
  • Stow your phone. If you need to, turn it off.
  • Switch off all other distractions, such as the TV.
  • Focus on the present moment.
    • Listen to what is being said. 
    • Resist every urge to let your mind wander to other things (like what you’ll fix for supper) or worse, start formulating your response.

2. Look them in the eye.

Failure to keep eye contact makes it seem as though we aren’t paying attention to the current conversation. 

Look away fleetingly, periodically, so it will not feel like you’re staring at them in a creepy kind of way. Once you have looked away, immediately bring your focus back to them to avoid other distractions that might pull you away from the person or task in right front of you. This helps assure the speaker that you’re still actively listening.

3. Summarize, first.

When they stop talking, first summarize what you just heard them say.  This will help you clarify their meaning.

Give them space to agree with your summary or make changes as they need to. It will then be possible for you to add your own perspective, thoughts, or any questions you may have.

4. Ask more questions.

Instead of trying to read the other person’s mind, if you do not clearly understand what is being said, simply ask for clarification. This will squash assumptions and misunderstandings are avoided.

Asking appropriate questions also lets them know that you have listened intently and that you are trying to understand their perspective, rather than just whipping off some ready-made answer or suggestion.

5. DO NOT INTERRUPT!

It is always so tempting to jump right in with comments or solutions. Don’t do it.

Keep quiet until they stop speaking and it is your turn.

Sometimes people are just looking to vent and get their issues off their chest. Let them finish their thoughts. They will appreciate you and it may help them relieve their stress about the issue. By saying nothing, you can help them feel better!

One of my philosophies as a provider is that if I let the patient tell her own story in her own words, using the strategies above, 90% of the time I could make an accurate diagnosis, which I could later be confirmed with examination and tests. The problem is that, not just for physicians, we always think we know the whole story and the fix within the first sew sentences. This is rarely the case. We are often in such a rush to fix and move on to whatever is next, we miss the details. And God or the devil is in the details.

People won’t always be able to recall everything we have said in a conversation, but they will remember how you made them feel. You can uplift the people around you, avoid misunderstandings, and strengthen your relationships by practicing these easy listening techniques.

Reap the benefits of knowing how to listen!

Chat soon.

Martina

How to Embrace Self-Forgiveness

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with

illumination and forgiveness.

Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will

cause your angels to sing.”
August Wilson

Last week, we talked about making small changes in our lives, and how they can have  big impacts. Today, we will spend a little time on what happens when we make changes, or are unsuccesful at making those transitions smoothly.

One of the initial problems we face is that we try to make our changes in a vacuum. We do this either because we feel we do not need support, or we are too embarassed to reveal our frailties by asking someone for advice. We all need support, and sometimes a dose of accountability goes a long way.

As children, our parents were genearlly proud of our accomplishments and the people we were growing into. They expressed this in different ways, based on the culture and people they grew up with. However it was expressed, it was fuel for us to keep going and make further improvements.

Even growing up with positive kinds of reinforcements, I think many of us end up on the slippery slope of perfectionism. We may have entered adulthood with an engine to drive acheivement and productivity, but too many of us arrived with no blueprint for regularly setting ourselves up for success, and few mechanisms for for forgiving ourselves when we missed the mark.

Perfectionism in any realm-mind, body, spirit- or, the pursuit of perfectionism is a trap and a lie!! It cannot be reached. And if we magically get it, it cannot be sustained. There will always be someone smarter, funnier, or some new thing that seems shinier, and has more bells and whistles than what we already possess. So, today, let’s talk about embracing our imperfection. Embracing our humanity. Learning to forgive ourselves when we screw up. And, we will screw up.

It is often difficult to forgive our own missteps. We feel terrible when we let ourselves or someone else down. But eventually, we need to allow the sun to shine in our lives again. Learning to forgive ourselves is an important part of our growth and development.

How do we do it? Here is a four-step plan to forgiving yourself so you can move on with life.

1. Face up to the mistake or the oversight.

In every circumstance, we must learn to take full responsibility for our error. Come face to face with it and acknowledge where we have stumbled or fallen short. As painful as it may be, this is the first step to forgiving ourselves.

  • It might be helpful to stand in front of a mirror and say what you did out loud. This helps connect us with the action.
  • Therapy might be a consideration if the mirror talk option doesn’t help. Talking to someone else may help us release feelings that are binding us up on the inside.

2. Assess the damage.

Take time to reflect on the potential outcomes of our actions.

  • Who has been affected? How badly were we or others hurt?
  • Take the time to consider the impact outside of what can be seen or ascertained initially. It is often easy to overlook the smaller impacts when a greater one seems or feels overwhelming.
    • The opposite can also be true. Sometimes we find comfort in dealing with, or hiding in the small parts of the fallout because something so huge is looming before us we can’t think straight.

3. We are only human. It’s OK.

Be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that you are human. No one goes through life without making mistakes. But remind yourself that this does not excuse what happened.

While accepting our human imperfections, make space to identify personal shortcomings. We can use these as opportunities to work on aspects of ourselves that we might want to eliminate, change or strengthen.

Importantly, we have to be willing and able to learn from our mistakes and have earnest intentions of not repeating them.

4. Continually challenge ourselves to do different and to do better.

The critical final step to self-forgiveness is challenging ourselves to do better. In the previous step, we have accepted our imperfections. Now is the time to work at fixing the things we can.

  • Do we need to learn to be nicer to other people? We can work on that through conscious effort or group therapy.
  • Work at not repeating the same mistake. This is one of the easiest ways to relapse and end up back at our starting point again.
  • Ask your supportive friends and family to help you on your journey.  Everyone needs some support.

Working at making things right probably won’t change us or them or us overnight. It takes time to rebuild credibility and respect. What is important is that we forgive ourselves and commit to turning things around.

We each hold such great potential. That potential goes unused while we are consumed with negative energy. Stop the cycle!! Break out of the rut!

You have so much to offer to the world. Chip away at the negativity until all that’s left is your renewed spirit.

I challenged myself to make some changes with last week’s blog. Here are my results:

  • I joined several writing salons, and have written more in the last week, than I have in months. This includes blog posts, prose and poetry.
  • I have also gone back to writing Morning Pages when I do not have a specific task in mind. Many “fresh” ideas as well as some internal conversations leading to future changes have sprung from these.
  • If you are interested in finding out more about any of these, please reach out to me in the chat and I will be happy to share the links.

Chat soon.

Martina

Change Can Be a Blessing to Our Lives

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.”
C. JoyBell C.

Time change happened in the States this weekend. I have no idea while we persist in doing this. And, for me, it doesn’t matter whether the clock goes forward or backward, it produces restless sleep for several days. I am usually tired as I try to readjust for 3-4 days while my brain tries to make sense of why I am still up, or up earlier than usual. So, while I am still in these early days, it is debatable whether this particular change can be deemed a blessing or not, because we get to choose our own reactions and emotions for any event, public or private.

I belong to a couple of writing groups. I enjoy writing with them, although I sometimes have difficulty with the offered prompts. But, still, I write because I think writing, like most things, is about discipline coupled with inspiration. One of this week’s prompts is about the watch hours, specifically 12-4 pm. And, here is what surfaced for me:

Forenoon (8 am-12) is a blazing fire for me. I a very much a morning person.

The in-between time, 12-4 is that frigid blast against which the morning fires have been banked.

As the blood settles into the abdomen, the mind slows down- but does not stop.

The mind can reach back across the artificial threshold of time to find the morning threads to keep us moving forward. It can pull at the loose and fragmented ends which takes less energy to knit together than to create.

The mind slows, the extremities get cold, and become less responsive to our requests and demands. We often feel a chill, but we are smart enough to prepare. Shawls and hot tea revive us.

Taking advantage of slower thinking, we can sort more carefully through issues. Perhaps, we can do a little research, investigate, dig deeper, or get more facts as we organize our thoughts. The in-between time is a prime place for doing and finishing, rarely for starting. At least that is how it works for me.

The important lessons are that we learn to honor that time and that rhythm. Honor our natural rhythms. Honor our diversity, our nonhomogeneity, our differences. Respect other people where they are in their own time, space, level of activity.

As we learn to honor ourselves and respect others, a rhythm develops. And rhythm is a wave we can ride to renew ourselves and others.

Time is an artificial construct that we have built into an unnatural rhythm.

I think our best lives are being lived when we can find our own natural rhythm within that construct as much as we can, and be ourselves.

What change am I committing to?

A friend recommended an online writing salon. I will add a few of these sessions to my calendar to see if making this tiny change will get more ink on the page. They are only for one hour each time, and they are offered multiple times throughout the day. We live in hope.

What changes are you making in your life?

If you are stuck, here are a few journaling questions to get your motor started.

  1. How do I feel about the rhythm of my life?
  2. Do I take responsibility for the pace that I keep on a day-to-day basis?
  3. What steps can I take in my daily life to ensure that my pace is as comfortable for me as possible?

Please do not mistake this post to be about productivity alone. There is a natural rhythm to our lives that we can choose to embrace. There are things in our daily lives that we are capable of doing and changing to get through our days with a better sense of ease, comfort, and peace. We have but to look.

Chat soon.

Martina


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