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Martina McGowan MD

life lived by the Book

Stories We Tell Ourselves: I Can Do Everything Myself pt 2

 Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.

Bill Nye, the Science Guy

In the last blog, we started talking about the benefits of letting others help us reach our goals.

We live in a culture that praises the soloist, the independent, the bootstrapper. But, honestly, no one gets anywhere without at least one other human being helping them. Whether that is recommending them, speaking up on their behalf, lending seed money,  a hand or a leg up, or even a few words of direction and encouragement. There are lots of big ways and small ways people help open new possibilities that help propel us toward the things we want to achieve.

There are probably many someone’s in our lives that helped us along the way. I have spoken of her before, but one of my greatest influences, outside of family, was my fourth-grade teacher. She turned on a light and thirst for knowledge that has never left me. One day, she was going over my work with me, and all she said was, “you can do better than this. You are smarter than this.” And, she was right, and I knew it. But, most importantly, I embraced it!!

We inherently need other people.

Now let’s rewrite this limiting belief with a set of empowering beliefs.

Limiting Belief:

● “I can do everything without help.”

Empowering Beliefs:

● “I can benefit from the help and assistance of others.”
● “Others have strengths and talents that I do not.”
● “I can better reach my full potential with the help of others.”

To rewrite out limiting beliefs, we must come to terms with the fact that we simply can’t do or know everything.

The more we tap into the strengths of others, the more we will be able to get done, and the closer we will come to achieving our goals, hopes, and dreams. If we try to do everything alone, we simply won’t get as far.

Our new belief is that we need the help of others to reach our true potential.

Stop trying to be a lone wolf.  We each have a great deal of potential, but we need others to help us fully realize it. Ask for help. Utilize the gifts and talents that others have. We can make so much more progress than if we try to do everything by ourselves.

Action Steps

● Write down the names of five people whom you work closely with.

● For each person, write down their unique strengths; some strength you do not possess.

● Seek out at least one person on your list to help you with a current project or task.

Affirmation

Although I am very skilled, talented, and capable, I affirm that I need the help and assistance of others. They complement my own talents so that, together, we can excel at any task and even get the job done quicker than I could by myself.

I seek out others to help me at each step of my journey. I avoid trying to do everything myself. Rather, I depend on other people to help me reach my full potential, as I help them reach theirs.

I hope you are trying out a few of the changes we ‘ve been talking about so far this year. Many won’t take root the first time we try, but we can release some of our limiting beliefs.

Too often, we are our own biggest stumbling block, our own greatest obstacle. Start getting out of your own way and release some of that amazing potential you’ve been sitting on.

Chat soon!

Martina

Stories We Tell Ourselves: I Can Do Everything Myself, pt 1

We don’t have to do all of it alone.

We were never meant to.

Brené Brown

In the last post, we talked about how treating ourselves with kindness helps us reach our goals. Today, we will discover how letting others help us can benefit us in many ways.

We live in a culture that applauds those who rise to the top all by themselves. Although, as a dear friend often reminds her entrepreneurial students, no one rises, no one gets discovered or gets seen all by themselves.

In our culture, it’s very easy to feel like we need to do everything ourselves. To feel like we can’t ask for help. To feel like asking for help is a sign of significant weakness. And if we are especially competent, maybe we can do many things without a lot of help from others.

And so, we fall into a mindset of never asking for assistance. We try to do everything on our own, thinking that if we can get by without the help of others, it is a sign of strength.

But in reality, not ever being able to ask for help is a sign of weakness. The truth is that none of us can do everything on our own. We all have limitations, blind spots, and areas of weakness. Not one of us is perfect or able to accomplish all things on our own.

Our limiting belief is that we can do everything ourselves without any help.

We inherently need other people, and our inability to ask for help often keeps us from accomplishing as much as we could. If we teamed up with others, our combined strengths would allow us to achieve far more than we could on our own.

Now let’s rewrite this limiting mindset with a set of empowering beliefs.

Limiting Belief:

● “I can do everything without help.”

Empowering Beliefs for a Maturing Mindset:

● “I can benefit from the help and assistance of others.”
● “Others have strengths and talents that I do not possess.”
● “I can better reach my full potential with the help of others.”
● “I cannot do everything by myself.”

To rewrite this limiting mindset, we must come to terms with the fact that we simply can’t do everything.

Yes, we may be able to accomplish a lot. But the simple truth is that others have strengths and gifts that we don’t have. There is simply not time for us to try to learn everything about everything. We can tap into the strengths, abilities, and gifts of others.

Next week, we will talk about how to start reshaping our thinking and stop torturing ourselves by trying to be a superstar all the time, a know-it-all, a perfectionist…

Chat soon

Martina

Stories We Tell Ourselves: I Offer Love, Compassion, and Understanding to everyone except me. Why not? pt 2

Forgiving yourself, believing in yourself

and choosing to love yourself

are the best gifts one could receive.

Brittany Burgunder

In the last blog, we talked about how well we treat others, and how comparatively poorly we tend to treat ourselves.

We are quick to show compassion, forgive mistakes, and offer grace to others. But we do not treat ourselves in the same way.

For any number of reasons, we don’t believe that we deserve the same outpouring of love, compassion, grace, and understanding that we give to others.

Maybe we were told at a young age that we needed to be perfect, and we have incorporated this into how we try to live every aspect of our lives. And, if we are not perfect we feel like we need to punish ourselves.

This thinking limits us and makes us feel like we can never be or do enough. This is a chronically unhappy existence!!

Let’s revise this belief with a set of empowering beliefs.

Limiting Belief:

● “I don’t give myself the love, compassion, and understanding I give to others.”

Empowering Belief:

● “I am human and it’s okay for me to make mistakes.”
● “I deserve the same grace, compassion, and understanding that I freely offer others.”
● “I am patient and loving toward myself.”
● “I treat myself the same way that I treat others.”

It’s really important to rethink this limiting belief. If we don’t, we will always be unhappy, and miserable, and feel like we can never do enough.

Please understand that, just like everyone else, we are human. We make mistakes, and that’s okay. Like everyone else, we have off days, and that’s not a problem. There are times when we are not at our peak productivity or don’t accomplish as much, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

In other words, we are not perfect. And, we are not supposed to be.

Our new belief is that we deserve the same grace, compassion, love, and patience that we extend to others.

We are patient with others. Be patient with yourself.

We are loving toward others. Be loving toward yourself.

We have compassion and mercy for others, so have compassion and mercy for yourself.

Simply put, learn to stop being so hard on yourself!

You are human, and humans are not perfect.

You deserve kind treatment from yourself.

Action Steps

● The next time you are being hard on yourself, ask yourself this question: “How would I treat someone else who is in my shoes?” Extend that same loving, gracious treatment toward yourself.

Apply the Golden Rule to yourself.

Get into a habit of treating yourself just like anybody else.

Affirmation

I am human, just like everyone else.

It is okay for me to struggle and make mistakes.

When that happens, I deserve the same compassion and grace that I offer others.

I refuse to hold myself to a standard that I avoid holding others to.

I love myself, even when things turn out imperfectly.

I treat myself as I treat others – with love, compassion, and patience.

Make it a habit: Think better of yourself!! 

Chat soon.

Martina

Stories We Tell Ourselves: I Offer Love, Compassion, and Understanding to everyone except me. Why not? pt 1

Above everything else, genuinely love yourself first.

Self-love is powerful and it’s the best love that you will ever have.

When you love who YOU are, your relationships will be healthier and your life will be happier.

Self-love sets the standard in how we allow others to treat us and how we treat ourselves.

Your happiness and well-being is important.

Protect it by always valuing who you are!

Stephanie Lahart

In the last post for this series, we learned that our opinion of ourselves is the only one that truly matters. This week, we will see that how we treat ourselves matters, too.

We are compassionate, kind, and loving people. When someone makes a mistake, we are gracious toward them, understanding that everyone makes mistakes.

We are patient with others, giving them time to learn and change. If someone struggles with a particular task or doesn’t make as much progress on a task as expected, we give them grace.

But we don’t treat ourselves in the same way.

For some reason, we do not believe that we deserve the same love, compassion, grace, benefit of the doubt, and understanding that we give to others.

Maybe we were told from a young age that we needed to be perfect in everything we do. Perhaps not told verbally, but demonstrated in the way people dealt with us. Maybe we have somehow unconsciously adopted the idea that we should never make the same mistakes that others make. That we are somehow above or beyond that.

Whatever the case, what we learned was to be hard on ourselves.

Our limiting belief is that we should be perfect, and if we are not perfect we feel like we have let “everyone” down, and we need to punish ourselves.

When we make a mistake, we endlessly berate yourself, feeling like we shouldn’t have made it. We do not show the same compassion or gracious and loving nature toward ourselves. We do not love ourselves very much. We continue to hold ourselves to an impossible standard. I know how this feels. I live here sometimes myself.

This limiting belief makes us feel like we are never enough, and can never be enough. Like we are never worthy, never acceptable, never doing enough things. It is a very unhappy limiting belief.

Now let’s rewrite the limiting belief with a set of empowering beliefs.

Limiting Belief:

● “I do not give myself the love, compassion, and understanding I give to others.”

Empowering Belief:

● “I am human and it is okay that I make mistakes.”
● “I deserve the same grace, compassion, and understanding that I eagerly give others.”
● “I am patient and loving toward myself.”
● “I treat myself the same way that I treat others.”

It’s truly important to rewrite this limiting belief. If we do not,  we will always be unhappy, miserable, feel second-rate, and like we’re never doing enough!!

Next week, we’ll chat a bit more about the toxicity of this mindset, and work on ways to elevate it and ourselves.

Chat soon!!

Martina

Birthday Week: Embracing Uniqueness and the Light

There is a vitality, a life force, an energy,

a quickening that is translated through you into action,

and because there is only one of you in all time,

this expression is unique.

And if you block it,

it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost.

Martha Graham

My birthday is this week, and it is a significant milestone marker for me. I have lived many more years than I thought I would. And like many of you, I have accomplished some good things along the way while gaining a bit of wisdom.

I thought I would take a break from our ongoing series, “Stories We Tell Ourselves,” and do something different this week. You can catch up with the series most recent post here.

As I move into life’s final quarter, approaching the edges of the light and the long night, here are some thoughts for this birthday week. 

Each of us is unique and valuable.

The problems start, I think, when we first begin to think or feel that we are not valuable or perhaps, that we are not valued. For some of us that may start in early childhood, at the hands of friends or loved ones. For some of us, it starts in school or as we progress through work situations.

Everyone will not love us.

That is a fact of life, and it is ok. But, we must learn to love ourselves and revel in our uniqueness. And that is the subject of today’s blog, not just for myself, but for you as well. 

Being different makes us interesting.

I have learned to celebrate my uniqueness. Although I am a bit of an introvert, I feel good about having traits that stand out in a crowd. 

Sometimes we might feel like the odd duck when we are with others. It is normal to want to fit in. But we must avoid compromising our values just to be considered a part of the group, one of the “cool kids.” I don’t think I ever made it onto the “cool kids” list. :

When we are being ourselves, we can be at ease. We shouldn’t feel nervous or uncomfortable when we embrace our true selves. We are able to focus on the tasks at hand when we avoid trying to be what others expect.

Many of life’s great opportunities come about because we remain true to ourselves. It is easy for us to maintain integrity when we stick to being ourselves and embrace our differences.

Believe that your true self is your best self.

Commit to being honest about who you are and what you have accomplished. I am as guilty as anyone of being caught up “impostor syndrome.” But I am working on it.

Be proud of what you’ve done with your life!!

Chat soon.

Martina

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Stories We Tell Ourselves: I Worry About What Others Think About Me, part 2

It is not important what others think about you;

it is important what you think about yourself.

Debasish Mridha

We spend way too much time and energy focused on what others think of us, and we let it affect the things we choose to do or not do.  Last week, we started talking about ways to shift that mindset. I agree with the quote above. Yes, other people influence us in many good and bad ways.

But, in the long run, what matters most is what we think of ourselves. What do we think of how we have spent our time on earth, our money on causes, and the careers and interests we pursued? And, at the proverbial end of the day, were those choices ours (or someone else’s), and are we content with those choices?

Limiting Mindset:

● “I worry about what others will think about me.”

Empowering Mindset:

● “What others think of me matters, but does not control or determine what I choose to do.”
● “What truly matters is what I think of myself.”
● “My opinion of myself is the one that counts.”
● “I am secure in who I am.”
● “I avoid striving to make everyone happy.”

The key to rewriting this limiting mindset is to realize that what others think of us simply does not matter. In the long scheme of things, does it really make a difference if others think more or less of us? No, it doesn’t.

What truly matters is what we think of ourselves.

Our opinion of ourselves is the one that counts the most. And as we’ve said before, we are worthy and valuable. This is the opinion you should have of yourself!! Do not let the opinions of others drag you down. Their opinions hold no weight compared to your own opinion of yourself.

Our new mindset is that the opinions of others have a limited effect on us one way or the other.

We are free from caring what others think of us. We are secure in ourselves, knowing that we are valuable and worthy. We no longer strive to make everyone happy. Instead, we focus on making ourselves happy and ensuring that we are pursuing our dreams and goals.

Action Steps

● Regularly look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I don’t have to try to make everyone else happy. My opinion of myself is all that matters.”

● Create a list that says, “People I Must Please” at the top. Leave the list blank as a statement that you’re done with worrying about what others think about you.

Affirmation

I refuse to play the people-pleasing game.

I affirm that the opinions of others fail to have absolute sway over my life.

My opinion of myself is all that matters.

I strive to achieve my dreams and accomplish my goals without worrying about what others think about me.

I choose to believe the best about myself at all times.

I avoid letting the opinions of others drag me down or pull me off course.

Try it!! Once we get ourselves out of the people-pleasing business life becomes much more enjoyable and much less complicated.

Chat soon.

Martina

Stories We Tell Ourselves: I Worry About What Others Think About Me pt 1

You can be hurt, not by what others think of you,

but by what you think of what they think

or you think they think of you. 

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

In the last post, we talked about how to instill the positive belief that we are worthy of success. Do you still harbor doubts about yourself? Do you wonder what others think about you? Today, we will take a look at this limiting belief.

This is one of the most common limiting beliefs that people struggle with. We worry, and even obsess over, what others think about us.

We worry that if we are too successful, people will think you’re stuck up and supercilious. We worry that if we are not successful enough, people will look down on you.

If we stand up for ourselves, we worry that people will think we are overly assertive. If we try to be peacemakers, we worry that we will come across as a weakling, a doormat.

Worrying about what others think of us can be incredibly draining. It saps our time, our energy, and can suck all the joy out of life. It keeps us from being productive and often causes us to second guess ourselves at every turn.

Our limiting belief is that if we do, or don’t do certain things, others will think less of us.

If we do not keep this limiting belief in check, it can become an obsession. It can keep us from pursuing our dreams and cause us to constantly be afraid of what others are thinking.

The fear of what others think of us can be like a great weight hanging around our necks, dragging us down, and keeping us from making forward progress.

Now let us rethink and rewrite this limiting thinking into a set of empowering beliefs.

Limiting Thinking:

● “I worry about what others will think about me.”

Empowering Beliefs:

● “What truly matters is what I think of myself.”
● “My opinion of myself is the one that counts.”
● “I am secure in who I am.”
● “I avoid striving to make everyone happy.”

The key to rewriting this limited mindset is to realize that what others think of you simply does not matter. In the long game of life, does it matter if others think more or less of you? No, it doesn’t.

What truly matters is what you think of yourself.

Next week we will talk about how to start making this shift.

Chat soon.

Martina

Stories We Tell Ourselves: I Don’t Deserve Success pt 2

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all.

Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach.

The world you desire can be won.

It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it’s yours.

~ Ayn Rand

Last week we explored the limiting belief that many of us hold:

● “I am unworthy of success.”

Today we will talk a bit more about replacing these words and thought with much more empowering beliefs, as well as the “why” and the “how” of getting that done.

Better thoughts:

● “I am worthy of success.”
● “I am valuable simply because of who I am.”
● “I deserve success and all the benefits that come with it.”

Ask yourself, “Who is worthy of success

The answer is EVERYONE, including us. There is no reason we should not experience and enjoy success in life.

Always remember that you are worthy and valuable simply because of who you are. We do not have to use our precious and limited time to demonstrate to others that we are worthy of success. We are worthy of succeeding simply because we are ourselves.

Our new belief becomes, “I am worthy of all the success in the world!”

No matter what anyone has told us in the past, we deserve success and all the benefits that come with it. We deserve to achieve things and make some of our dreams come true. If we work hard, we are worthy of the reward we receive.

Action Steps

● Write down every reason you think that you are not worthy of success.

● Cross out every one of those reasons.

● Replace that list with a list of reasons you are genuinely worthy of success.

● Review that list on a daily basis. Tape it to your bathroom mirror, your breakfast nook table, your desk, or someplace you will be forced to see it every day.

Affirmation

I affirm that I am worthy of success in the world.

Regardless of what anyone has said to me, regardless of what I have thought about myself in the past, I choose now to believe that I am worthy of success!

I believe that I deserve to achieve my dreams and accomplish my most worthy goals.

I refuse to continue to think small, unworthy thoughts about myself.

Instead, I embrace my greatness, knowing I am worthy simply because of who I am.

Write out this affirmation, and do the same things with your list from above. Put it somewhere you will see it and say it aloud at least once daily.

Our self-talk, most of which is negative keeps us trapped in many ways, small talk, small thoughts, and small actions. We tend to replay our internal recordings about how we are not good enough, how unworthy we are, how unjust the world is, how stuck we are, and how much we hate that stuckness.

We can only improve our outlook about life, the world around us, and the people we care about if we can make the bold step of improving our thoughts about ourselves. And the acting on those thoughts and words.

Chat soon.

Martina

Stories We Tell Ourselves: I Don’t Deserve Success pt 1

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe,

deserve your love and affection.

Sharon Salzberg

And, I would add to today’s quote, respect. We deserve our respect!!

In the last blog, we learned how taking responsibility for our circumstances actually provides us a way out of them. But what if – even if we do take responsibility – we never seem to achieve our goals? Today, we’ll talk about one possible cause of this mismatch and how to overcome it.

With this limiting attitude, regardless of how much progress we make, we always feel like we fall short.

It could be that somewhere deep inside, we don’t believe that we deserve success. We feel that we are not good enough, smart enough, or lovable enough to be worthy of the successes we seek.

This is a very devious, insidious way of thinking about ourselves.

We believe that others are more worthy of success, but when we look at our own lives, we refuse to believe that we should experience those same things. This can happen in any realm. We feel out of step, out of touch with whatever may lead to success or has led us to success in the past. We feel like frauds. We feel like impostors.

This can lead us to self-sabotage. When we start to get close to success, we start to do things that limit us. Maybe we are even afraid of succeeding, and so the closer we get to success, the more afraid we become.

Our limiting thought is that we are unworthy of success.

This seriously limits the progress we can make. After all, we can’t achieve big things if we don’t think that we deserve them. We won’t be able to manage the motivation to keep going if we feel unworthy of success.

You absolutely must rewrite this belief!

Current Limiting Belief:

● “I am unworthy of success.”

Empowering Beliefs:

● “I am inherently worthy of success.”
● “I am valuable simply because of who I am.”
● “I deserve success and all the benefits that come with it.”

Ask yourself this question: Who is worthy of success?

The answer is EVERYONE, including you. There is no reason that you shouldn’t experience success.

Remember that!

Each of us is worthy and valuable simply because of who we are. We do not have to do anything to make ourselves worthy of success, or to prove our worthiness. We are worthy of succeeding simply because we are ourselves.

Chat soon!

Martina

Stories We Tell Ourselves: I Am Not Responsible For My Current Situation pt 2

Take responsibility of your own happiness,

never put it in other people’s hands.

Roy T. Bennett

Last week, we started talking about taking responsibility for our current situation. It is not always a pleasant task, but a necessary one. We all make mistakes in life, take missteps, and follow bad or questionable advice, but at the end of the proverbial day, it is we who have made the choice to make the moves. Maybe it was an investment that did not work out for you. Or, you are staying in a job you really hate because your best friends are there. Or, perhaps it’s a mountain of debt that seems impossible to rein in.

Let’s look at some ways to start to dig our way out…

Our current self-talk: 

● “I’m not responsible for where I am in life.”

Better Self-talk:

● “I am fully responsible for my life.”
● “I take ownership of my circumstances.”
● “I refuse to play the victim game.”
● “I can create different circumstances.”
● “I am in charge of my life and determine what it looks like.”

If we are going to make progress in life, it is essential that we take full responsibility for the circumstances in which we find ourselves. Yes, other people play a role in our lives, but ultimately, we are responsible for what we accept, what we do, and what we refuse.

If we find ourselves in a particular set of circumstances, it is because we have accepted them. We have decided that we are okay with those circumstances and we have chosen not to make any real efforts to change them.

Our new belief is: “I am fully responsible for every area of my life.”

This is actually an incredibly freeing belief. Once we accept that we created our current circumstances, we can then go about figuring out ways to change them.

You can take the necessary actions to change our lives in incredible, ways. We do not have to stay stuck. We do not have to be or play the victim. We are in charge of our lives, and we can reshape them to be closer to what we want them to be. This is not magic!! It will not happen overnight, but we can make changes.

Action Steps

● Write down any circumstances you are unhappy about.

● Take full ownership of those circumstances, even if others played a part in creating them.

● Identify specific action steps you must take to change your circumstances.

● Daily affirm that you are completely in control of your life and that you are responsible for the outcomes.

Affirmation

I am the captain of my fate.

I am responsible for every positive and negative thing that comes into my life and stays in my life.

I take full ownership of the current state of my life.

I do what is necessary to create the life I desire.

I refuse to play the victim of circumstances beyond my control or feel that I am at the complete mercy of others.

Instead, I take action.

This is my life and I can build it how I please.

We get one precious life. We all make mistakes, but we can choose not to wallow in them for the rest of our days. We can take ownership, do something and make lasting changes. Pick a thread of your life that you are not completely satisfied with right now. It is your choice. Do nothing about it, except keep worrying, and wasting mental time and energy on it. Or, get up, make a plan, and do something different!!

Much love.

Chat soon.

Martina

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