Is your relationship feeling a little lop-sided?

lopsided house

Codependents are reactionaries.

They overreact.

They under-react.

But rarely do they act.

They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others.

They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors.

When two people have a very close relationship, it is completely natural and mentally healthy to depend on each other for certain things. However, if one of you loses sight of who you are, in order to please only the other person, the relationship can become quite unhealthy. One of the most troubling relationship elements is codependency.

Definition

Codependency is defined as an unhealthy relationship where partners are overly reliant on one another. As a result, a dysfunctional, or abnormal pattern of living and problem-solving develops between the two individuals.

If you are concerned about your relationship, here are a few questions to ponder:

1. Are you afraid to express genuine feelings to your partner? If you notice that you often hold your feelings inside for fear of how your partner will react, that may be a sign that the relationship is not as healthy as it could be.

2. If you do have an opportunity to express your feelings honestly, do you feel guilty afterward? Perhaps you think “I shouldn’t have said anything… it just made matters worse” after you have been open with your partner.

3. Is the bulk of your day taken up with trying to do everything on your partner’s to-do list? If you are making it a habit of completing numerous tasks for your loved one that can easily accomplish themselves, you might be in a dysfunctional relationship. This is especially true if these chores are done to the detriment of your own life.

4. Are you apprehensive about asking for help from your partner? If you cannot seek assistance from your partner, it can become very frustrating. In a healthier give-and-take relationship, partners are able to freely and regularly ask for a hand from each other.

5. When you do ask for help, how does your partner react? Hopefully, your partner is open and willing to help you out whenever you ask it of them. However, if the relationship is kind of one-sided, you might not feel comfortable with asking and/ or with your partner’s response.

6. Do you find yourself feeling hurt or angry because your partner does not notice your needs? Although you are trying to take care of everything, you may be feeling disappointed that your partner does not spontaneously see what is really going on with you. You find yourself waiting for your partner to recognize your needs, but they rarely do.

7. Do you believe that you cannot have a friendship outside of your relationship? You find it difficult to find the time to maintain friendships because you are very busy doing chores and errands for your partner and they are not often satisfied with how you do them.

8. Do you have hobbies and activities that you enjoy separate from your partner? To maintain a healthy individual identity, it is vitally important that you cultivate your own hobbies and interests, apart from the relationship.

9. Do you feel like you are always walking on eggshells? Do you try to control things to make yourself feel better? Do you spend time taking steps to control situations in whatever way you can so that you don’t want to upset your partner?

10. Would you describe your partner as needy, emotionally distant, or unreliable? These qualities often draw in partners who consider themselves to be “caretakers.”

11. Do you have a perfectionistic streak and try to get things exactly right? Have you spent time trying to figure out how you can get everything perfect? Then perhaps your partner will be happier, more satisfied, and less angry, disappointed, or annoyed with you.

12. Do you trust your partner? If so, that’s a great thing, and perhaps your relationship is not really codependent. But, if you wonder what your partner is doing or suspect that they are not always telling you the truth about something, there may be an element of codependency in your relationship. On the other hand, there may be some real trust issues that you will want to work to resolve.

13. How is your health as it relates to stress? Often, people involved in unhealthy relationships experience health issues that may be related to their level of stress. Things like asthma, allergies, out-of-control eating, chest pain, and skin disorders. Of course, if you experience any of these symptoms, my best advice is to see your physician.

These questions are not etched in stone and are only meant to be used as a rough guide in assessing and possibly correcting your behaviors and emotional expressions in your loving relationship. If you feel you need help, seek out a professional trained in helping people with relationship issues, including codependency. You will feel better and your relationship will be stronger when you can relate to each other in more positive and in healthier ways.

The good news is that if you believe you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you can begin altering your own behavior right away to get back to a healthy sense of individuality.

Thoughts?

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