4 Simple steps to boosting your self-esteem
“Self esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves.”
Nathaniel Branden
Feel like your self-esteem dragging a bit these days? If low self-esteem has you feeling a little less than inspired of late, take heart, there are brighter days ahead. You have the power to renew your ego within a matter of days. You may need to put in a little bit of work to overcome the roadblocks in the way of your pulling your self-esteem back up, but your efforts will certainly be worth it.
What can you do to get a healthy ego boost:
1. Consider your needs. Do what makes you happy without allowing what others may think about you or your decisions to hold you back. Once you stop worrying about keeping up with appearances, your mind and soul will be free.
Living without fear of judgment will allow you to open doors that were once only a dream to you. Often, you will even find that your financial situation will improve, because you aren’t making expensive purchases for things that are meaningless to you in order to keep up with everyone else.
Sometimes, family can be your biggest judgment worry. If this is your situation, learn to set boundaries and allow the negativity to roll off as much as possible. This will take time and practice. But also keep in mind that it may be occasionally helpful to listen to the advice of family members. Be on the lookout for when that advice may be turning into criticism or begins to run your life. Remember to put yourself first.
Check out our previous post “6 Ways to Combat the Negativity of Others”
2. Take pride in your appearance. When you present yourself in a neat and stylish manner, your ego will instantly increase because when you know you look good, you feel good. You will automatically walk with your head a bit higher when you’re confident about your appearance.
And no, I am not saying go out and get a new wardrobe. Make the best of what you already own. Perhaps you have a good friend with a better eye for color and fashion than you. Ask for some assistance.
Contrary to popular thinking, it doesn’t take a lot of money to look good. Simply choose to eat healthier, fix your hair a bit, and be sure that your clothing is clean and pressed.
3. Surround yourself with positivity. Surround yourself with people who care and appreciate you. If your friends and family are constantly giving you unsolicited and unwarranted criticism, eventually this will lead to lower self-esteem. Have an honest chat with the people in your life about how negatively their harsh comments affect you. If they really care about you, they’ll put a stop to it immediately.
Some people are simply hard-wired to dish out tons of toxic negativity. If your circle includes people like this, you already know that you need to distance yourself a bit from their negative influences. Your loved ones aren’t required to praise you in order to be on your priority list. But your efforts to give yourself a healthy ego boost will fall short if you’re constantly being torn down by the negativity of others.
4. Reboot. Rediscover an old hobby or find a new one. By involving yourself with something you enjoy, you will create your own positivity. You’ll feel better about yourself as you increase your level of happiness.
Developing a healthy ego may seem like a simple concept, but many people struggle with insecurity and self-doubt. However, if you’re able to effectively implement the tips above, you’ll notice your self-esteem rise quickly. Remember, you are worth the effort and your contribution is important to the world.
Thoughts?
photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/paranoiasdelavida/2448922825/sizes/z/in/photostream/
Learn how to curb your frustration
“Life is not an easy matter…
You cannot live through it without falling into frustration
and cynicism unless you have before you a great idea
which raises you above personal misery,
above weakness,
above all kinds of perfidy and baseness.”
Leon Trotsky
No matter how calm you are most of the time, you will still have those moments when your frustration level seems to go sky high. The challenging aspect of feeling frustrated is the urgency you feel to express those upsetting feelings. But by now you have no doubt learned that you must, at least occasionally, “keep a lid on” your feelings in certain situations. Because, if you don’t, you know that you will only create more difficulties and drama for yourself.
Suggestions for getting a handle on your frustrations:
1. Breathe. Take some deep breaths. Although this strategy sounds like it might not help, the fact is that breathing techniques really do work. You can use techniques such as one developed by wellness guru, Andrew Weil’s, “4-7-8.” This technique for breathing will help calm you down rather quickly. Here’s how it works:
- Breathe in through your nose to the count of 4.
- Then, hold in your breath to the count of 7.
- Finally, breathe out through your mouth to the count of 8. Focus on blowing out all of the air from your lungs in this step.
- If you take four 4-7-8 breaths in a row, your frustration will likely dissipate and you’ll feel better.
2. Disengage. If you find yourself in a situation where you can briefly leave the room, excuse yourself to exit. Go to the restroom to splash some cold water on yuor face or take a quick walk in the building or around the parking lot. Physically disengaging from the frustrating event will nearly always help your frustration level to drop to a much more manegeable level.
3. Shut up! Challenge yourself to say nothing. This is probably the toughest suggestion on this list, and the hardest to actually do. Saying nothing means that you won’t compound any developing difficulty in the room, you won’t make the mistake of adding fuel to the fire. Although you have every right to feel the way you do, it is not always wisest to voice them, especially while you’re feeling quite frustrated at the time.
4. Be proactive. Try to anticipate when you might feel frustrated so you can ponder ahead of time how you will handle it if the need arises. Get in touch with your feelings. Know what your emotional triggers and landmines are.
Here’s an example: Perhaps you have a co-worker, who seems to always push your buttons, get you feeling pretty excited and irritated, and drag you around by some kind of emotional nose-ring. He knows how to get you cranked up. And you just happen to be going out to dinner with this person and another friend this evening. Stop and ask yourself, “How can I prepare now to keep my frustration at bay or to handle it if and when Paul triggers me?” Thinking about it ahead of time will help you tap in to your own strategies to keep a handle on your frustration.
5. Separate the essential from the non-negotiable. Learn to distinguish between those things that really matter and the “small stuff.” Does the situation you are in the process of getting so annoyed about really matter in the grand scheme of things? Save your emotional agitation for something that’s truly important to you. When you can work on and establish these differences in your mind, you will be better able to ignore some of the small stuff.
Ask yourself, “Will this really make a difference a year from now? 5 years?” If you decide that it will not, you can usually put it in the category of the “small” stuff, at least for now.
Another way of using this concept is to “pick your battles.” Pick your battles and where you want to expend your time, talents and energy, wisely. Save the battles for the big stuff.
6. Distract yourself. If you get irritated when only 2 or 3 people are present, it’s best to distract yourself with thoughts of things you have to do when you get home or spend some time looking for something in your briefcase or purse. Maybe you notice a lovely painting on the wall in the restaurant where you’re dining.
You can avoid most simple frustrations by either thinking about or doing something to take your mind away from the frustrating topic or situation.
7. Focus on another person in the room. If you’re in a group of people and someone says or does something that frustrates you or irritates you, turn to the person next to you and ask how she’s doing. It’s fairly easy to disengage from the person who’s irritating you the most and talk to someone else who is nearby.
You, and you alone, have the power to curb your frustration. You can take deep breaths, disengage, avoid commenting, anticipate your growing frustration, and learn to tell the difference between important things and the small stuff. You can also distract yourself with something else or even focus on another person in the room.
These methods really work! Try them the next time you’re feeling frustrated. You’ll feel so much better and your frustration will disappear!
Thoughts?
photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/86678496@N00/59942231/
8 Amazingly simple ways to get through change
If you don’t like something change it;
if you can’t change it,
change the way you think about it.
Have you ever found yourself in a position where change was inevitable? You may have felt annoyed, frustrated, or even a little afraid about how that part of your life was going to change. Maybe you felt trapped by the fact that the change was going to happen whether you liked it or not.
You might have felt out of sorts or stressed out for days, weeks, or even months. But what if you were to purposely make a slight shift in your usual paradigm of thinking and begin to view change as opportunity? What if you could reach out and embrace change with open arms? How do you do that?
1. Accept the idea. When you get comfortable with the idea that the change is going to happen, it will help you go into it with less stress. John F. Kennedy once said, “The one unchangeable certainty is that nothing is certain or unchangeable.” So, change will, in essence, always be occurring. Recognizing and accepting this as a fact of life will make life easier for you.
2. Change implies progress. Whether you are ready to admit it or not, when something changes, it’s progressing toward something, its movement. As you have probably already realized, living life on a day-to-day basis often involves making progress on some level.
3. Embrace the “not knowing.” Recognize that change will introduce some unknowns into your life. The aspect of change that probably shakes you up the most is that it brings in these unknown factors. It can be a bit discombobulating to not know exactly what’s coming your way. Still, the unknown aspect of change must be acknowledged and accepted.
4. Get excited. Be ready to experience the “newness” that change will bring. Alter your thinking from focusing on fear of the unknown to recognizing that change involves “newness.” It involves new things, new people, new places, and new ideas. At least some of this will bring excitement and pique your interest.
5. Believe that change can be transformative. You could be exposed to different and better products, knowledge, and skills as results of the change that you are facing. Many changes also have great aspects that open up your life in ways you could not have imagined before. Your experience at work or home, wherever the change occurs, could be the catalyst that transforms your whole life for the better.
6. More choices. Take notice of the wider array or variety of choices that often accompanies change. Along with change often come more options. A whole new world opens up to you, in a sense. You are in a position to take advantage of new choices.
7. View change as “the spice of life.” There’s an old adage based on something the poet, William Cowper, wrote that states, “Variety is the spice of life.” If you can apply this attitude to how you see change, your whole approach to it will be different.
8. Positive, but honest self-talk. Tell yourself that you can adjust to change. The fact is that you have probably experienced hundreds of changes so far throughout your lifetime. And you have made the adjusted to themst fine. ou have managed to work things out. And, you will be able to adjust to more changes in the future.
If you can shift how you look at changes, you will feel much more comfortable with them. Accepting change, looking at change as progress, recognizing that there will be unknowns, and embracing the newness of change will help you get better prepared for change.
If you can see change as being transformative, notice that it can create new and different choices for you, view it as “the spice of life,” and remind yourself that you have what it takes to adjust to almost anything that happens, you will be able to approach change more positively.
Now, go forward into the next change with an open mind!
Thoughts?
photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/joiseyshowaa/2775011897/sizes/o/in/photostream/
Sunday musings and affirmations: Gratitude 11-4-12
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled
by a spark from another person.
Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude
of those who have lighted the flame within us.
Albert Schweitzer
Affirmation: I am full of gratitude.
“I have so much to be thankful for. All of my needs and many of my wants have already been met. People who care about me surround me and I am aware of their loving presence. Because of this, I am full of gratitude.
So many people in this world go without the basic needs of life, such as food, shelter, or clean water. Many people struggle just to get through each day. When I consider these things, I remember how absolutely blessed I am. Regardless of what my future may hold, today I have food, I have shelter, and I have clean water and those gifts are worthy of my gratitude.
Every day, I take a few moments to remind myself of my many blessings. I think of the people who love me. I take a moment to mentally send love and gratitude to all of them in return.
I remember all of the ways in which life is easy for me. I have gifts and talents to share. I know that many things come easily to me, even when I am feeling challenged by my life circumstances. Other things come less easily to me, but I know that each one is a new opportunity for me to learn.
I intentionally cultivate thankfulness for life’s challenging situations too.
If I ever start to feel like I have little to be grateful for, and counting my blessings does not seem to help, I will go out of my way to do a good turn for someone else.
By being helpful to others, I can remind myself that the world is an abundant place.
And when I finally remember this, I am grateful.
Today, I am thankful for the blessings in my life.
I take time to be conscious of each of them.
With all of this abundance surrounding me, I am full of gratitude!”
Homework: Self-Reflection Questions –
1. What can I be thankful for today?
2. How can I be of service to someone today?
3. In what ways does being helpful to others increase my own gratitude?
Remider: This is a short term experiment that started 10-21-12.
My current plan is to do this every Sunday in preparation for our week ahead. But I need for you to do four things for me.
1. Read the affirmation and statement aloud to yourself.
2. Write out your answers to the self-reflective questions. You don’t have to share them if you don’t want to, but write them down for your own benefit and boost.
3. Subscribe. If we continue this series, the only way you will know if I am doing it on any regular basis is to subscribe.
4. Comment. I don’t usually press for comments. However, as I continue to consider adding this as a regular feature to the blog, I am asking for feedback. If you liked it, or didn’t. If you see ways that I can tweak it to make it better. If you found the exercise helpful or not. If you had some kind of breakthrough, epiphany or wake up call. If you’d rather get this as a newsletter on a monthly basis. Anything…
Here’s the bottom line for this experimental feature. Because it will take a little extra time to get these ready, no comments or feedback, no musings. Ok?
Have an awesome week!
photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/bartmaguire/231625731/sizes/z/in/photostream/
One of life’s secrets
What is your life’s purpose?
“I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow
into a mountain,
not to shrink to a grain of sand.”
Og Mandino
There are many, many books that will talk to you about finding your purpose, loving life and how you can be happier with whatever situation you find yourself in. Perhaps I will write one myself one day. But, as you leaf through the pages of various books or wander through the myriad of websites that offer the same or similar advice, you begin to realize just how complex the process truly is.
This becomes all the more true as you continue to age gracefully and are faced with the new kinds of dilemmas that will make you want to give up at times. So, how do you continue to move forward when life is giving you more than a few reasons to give in? What will make you want to conquer those hurdles that stand in your way, especially when no one else really seems to care if you make it? If you have not found it so already, you will soon see that this is tough. It is important to remember that you are not the only one who goes through these hard times. If you’re feeling lost and don’t know what to do next, there is one thing that can lead you back to your course, and that is your purpose.
Life’s Purpose
You are here for a reason. It does not matter where you come from, what you look like or what kinds of issues you have faced in the past. Different people have different belief systems when it comes to religion and theories about people’s roots and beginnings. But you must find that one thing that will define you as you grow up and grow older. You have to find your reason for being here in the first place. You must eventually figure out your purpose to know where life is leading you or where you think you want to be led.
Here are some suggestions to begin your quest…
1. Acceptance. You must accept who you are and what you are capable of doing. You have to learn to love yourself despite your imperfections; and we all have imperfections. After you have learned to do this, you will understand things better. You will be able to start looking at things from a different perspective. You will also be able to see things clearly by being honest with yourself and knowing your what your strengths and limitations are.
2. Gratitude. Look at the things around you. Look at what you already have. Look at other people and how they live their lives. You must learn to appreciate all of the things that make you similar as well as the things that set you apart from the rest. You have to be able to give credit where it is due and place importance on the vital aspects of who you are and what can you do. You must appreciate other, and appreciate yourself.
3. Perseverance. Life is a ongoing and ever-unfolding journey. Sometimes the roads that you have to travel seem hard. But that should not stop you from going forward and moving toward your goal. You must look deep inside to find the fuel or the force that will drive you to keep moving and to keep going despite the situation or circumstances. Not all days are tough, though. And, after the dark or hard days, some light and brightness will come in to make the ride a little easier. We talked a little about this on a previous post, “Resilience.”
4. Set a goal. What do you want to achieve in life? What is the #1 goal that you want to attain as you get older? These are some important questions that can take you years before to sort out an answer. But the answer, once you have already found it, will make you appreciate all of your hard work and will give meaning to everything that you do, have done and will do in the future. It will also give you new fuel to press on and love your life!
Thoughts?
photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/h-k-d/4463607584/sizes/z/in/photostream/
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How to reprogram your negative behavior
“Behavior is a mirror in which every one displays his own image”
Do you have negative behaviors that you want to get a better handle on? Whether it’s something you do to continually sabotage yourself or an action that annoys others, it is important to examine the impact of what you’re doing. Wouldn’t it be great if you could reprogram your difficult behaviors before they spread negative karma all around you? Here are a few suggestions on bringing your own negative and troublesome behaviors under control before they become detrimental.
1. Own your power. Claim the power you have to stop the actions that bother you. Look in the mirror and say it out loud: “I am the only person who can stop _____________ .” Then, make a pact with yourself to make a concerted effort to cease the actions or activities.
2. Be more observant. Pay closer attention to what you are doing. Much of what you do each day is done without much forethought. If you begin to consciously focus your thoughts on any actions you are about to take, you will have an increased chance of removing the troublesome behaviors from your repertoire.
3. Slow your roll. Slow down your thinking. When your mind starts racing, this should be one of your first clues that you might be about to take an action that you may later regret. Take a deep breath and re-focus on a positive action, instead.
4. Know your triggers. Identify the situations, people, and events that trigger your negative behavior. For example, perhaps when you are in a social situations, you drink a little too much or you just get nervous and this leads to talking too much. You interrupt others, finish their sentences for them, and other people have little opportunity to talk. Take an honest look at yourself and this annoying behavior; it even bothers you. Pay attention to when is it most likely to happen?
You can read more about emotional triggers here.
5. Choose an alternate behavior. Decide what you will do instead. Make a plan for what you are going to do in place of the negative behavior. For instance, if you want to stop talking too much in a social situation, what could you do instead of speaking or jumping in without listening? Perhaps you could make the decision to “experiment” with listening to others, to see what you can learn from them. You could plan to talk less and practice listening more each time you find yourself in a social particular social setting. Learn as you go. Later, ask yourself, “How did I do? How did it feel to listen instead of talk?” Our art of communication series may be able to help you with this.
6. Get help. Ask some close friends or family members for their assistance in stopping the behavior. For example, tell your sister that you’re trying to stop interrupting people so much. Ask her to touch your elbow at the family reunion tomorrow each time she notices you interrupting. This way, you will have an additional external cue to stop the behavior.
7. Own up. Say that you are sorry when you engage in the behavior, if it affects others. Staying with the example of talking too much, as soon as you realize that you have interrupted someone, say, “I’m sorry I interrupted you. Please do go on. I’m interested in what you were saying.” Showing some humility will help you learn to stop the old behavior and change it to a more effective action.
8. Consult the experts. Seek out some expert guidance if you need it. If you have been working on your troublesome actions for a while and have had little success, try finding a professional to assist you.
You always, always, always have a choice in how you behave. It is up to you to avoid the behaviors that cause you difficulties or keep people from wanting to spend quality time with you. Banish your unwanted behaviors for good by putting the a few of the above steps into action. Remember, only you have the capacity to stop your negative behaviors before they stop you!
Thoughts?
photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cobalt/4016377260/sizes/z/in/photostream/
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When things break..
Sometimes, things break. Like the plate – just one in the whole cabinet – which broke during that earthquake that so surprised me last year. It happens.
And, having grown up in thrifty, practical, puritanical New England, I learned that when things break, you fix them. You get out the Superglue or that weird epoxy two part stuff and you find a way and you put it back together, carefully matching up the hairline cracks. And there you have it. Good as new.
Except it isn’t.
It is never the same and that’s okay – things change. I can deal with that part, easily. Often, it’s stronger than ever, of course. It’s just that sometimes it doesn’t work. Sometimes, it is just off balance, it doesn’t sit flat. Or in the case of a pitcher, say, it doesn’t hold water. It leaks. So you patch it some more, and things get worse, not better.
Sometimes, you just need to throw it out and find a new one. Or shatter it and add it to a mosaic, bringing in pieces of other things that were once beautiful. You create a whole new work of art.
And so it is, I sense, with relationships.
As human beings, our relationships with each other can still feel as though they are critical to our very survival, as they were long ago. And in a sense, they are. Community is where love thrives, in the best case scenario. Sometimes, though, a relationship can hold us back. Sometimes it can subtract rather than add to both parties’ lives. Sometimes it can feel a whole lot like quicksand.
And the leaving part can feel really hard. Like climbing a mountain in a pair of tennis shoes. Like we just can’t do it. Like we’ll never be the same again. And we won’t.
Sometimes, in letting go, we can be better. We can find freedom and give it to the one we once loved. It can be a gift, bigger than we can possibly imagine, lying there in the quicksand.
Sometimes, things break and the only thing you can do is let them shatter.
The foregoing is syndicated from Christa Gallopoulos’ Carry It Forward… and is posted here with permission.
Christa Gallopoulos
Life guidance through creativity and intuitive practice.
Founder & visionary – http://womenheal.org/
Do you validate? Emotionally?
The reason man does not experience his true cultural self is
that until he experiences another self as valid
he has little basis for validating
his own self.
Emotional validation is an important social skill for everyone to learn. You can improve your relationships as you help yourself and others feel more respected and accepted. You can practice this with your loved ones, as well as with people you barely know.
What does emotional validation mean?
Validation refers to acknowledging someone else’s feelings. That is very different than just saying that you agree with them or that you condone, or approve of, their behavior. For instance, you can speak with your child about how the feeling of fear caused them to hide their failing grades from you without ever suggesting that it was the right thing to do.
Do you first
1. Offer validation to yourself. Learn to validate yourself along with validating others. Similar techniques can work well in either case. Taking the initiative to recognize your own real feelings about something is the first step in being able to manage your feelings constructively.
2. Check out your body language. Monitor your nonverbal expressions. Body language is an important part of the process. If you feel patient and attentive, you’re likely to look more relaxed and welcoming. On the other hand, rolling your eyes at a person trying to communicate with you feels just as dismissive as any verbal or spoken ridicule.
3. Practice daily. Take advantage of daily opportunities. It is much easier to master a skill when you use it frequently. Every social interaction can be another training opportunity for you. This is true whether you’re talking with your sibling or the cashier at your favorite grocery store.
Why should you do this? What are the benefits of validation?
1. Offer inclusivity. You can help people feel like they belong. The need to fit in is fundamental to human nature. Validating each other’s feelings helps everyone feel more respected and appreciated. Each person should be reminded that they have value just for being who they are.
2. Reduce conflicts. Validation will help let people know that you care about them and that their feelings matter. Fewer disagreements arise when people trust each other and demonstrate mutual good will.
3. Improve communications. In the absence of judging or casting blame, many more people will be eager to open up and share. Open-ended questions and supportive comments can also help promote more constructive dialogue between people.
4. Empower others. Authenticating another person’s feelings strengthens their capacity to resolve their own dilemmas. They may get some insights into their own underlying motivations and recurring patterns of behavior. This will help them adopt more constructive approaches and gain more confidence.
How to Validate
1. Listen fully. Start by giving the other person your full attention. Remove all distractions like cell phones and televisions and listen carefully with an open mind. Let people continue talking until they finish their story and provide all the facts. We did a series a while back on the art of listening. Find the first installment called “Just Look,” here.
2. Summarize what you hear. Reflect back to the person speaking what you think they said. That way they have an opportunity to clarify whether you understood the message correctly.
3. Label the emotions. Help the other person to sort through what they are really feeling. If emotions have been suppressed for a long time, it can often be difficult to make sense out of them. Someone may discover that they are still distressed by an incident that took place many years ago.
4. Consider the person’s history. Different individuals react differently to the same situations depending on their personality, life history, emotional makeup and other factors. A child who grows up in poverty may view money problems differently than one who had a wealthier background.
5. Validate the experience. Recognize the valid aspects of any experience. Ultimately, we all try to avoid suffering and keep ourselves happy. Even if you think a particular action shows poor judgment, you will probably still be able to find some aspect of the situation that you can relate to if you keep an open mind.
6. Show empathy. Let the other person know that you acknowledge their feelings on the deepest level that is genuine for you. If, for instance, you are both struggling to lose weight, you may feel a natural empathy. Even if they are disappointed by something that seems wierd to you, you can still muster some sensitivity to to their pain.
You can actively work to improve your relationships by getting better at providing authentic emotional validation. You will also learn to manage your own emotions better as you continue to help those around you to feel more connected, loved and that they matter.
What’s your best technique for validating or affirming others?
photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/whartz/1913603367/sizes/z/in/photostream/
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