The reason man does not experience his true cultural self is
that until he experiences another self as valid
he has little basis for validating
his own self.
Emotional validation is an important social skill for everyone to learn. You can improve your relationships as you help yourself and others feel more respected and accepted. You can practice this with your loved ones, as well as with people you barely know.
What does emotional validation mean?
Validation refers to acknowledging someone else’s feelings. That is very different than just saying that you agree with them or that you condone, or approve of, their behavior. For instance, you can speak with your child about how the feeling of fear caused them to hide their failing grades from you without ever suggesting that it was the right thing to do.
Do you first
1. Offer validation to yourself. Learn to validate yourself along with validating others. Similar techniques can work well in either case. Taking the initiative to recognize your own real feelings about something is the first step in being able to manage your feelings constructively.
2. Check out your body language. Monitor your nonverbal expressions. Body language is an important part of the process. If you feel patient and attentive, you’re likely to look more relaxed and welcoming. On the other hand, rolling your eyes at a person trying to communicate with you feels just as dismissive as any verbal or spoken ridicule.
3. Practice daily. Take advantage of daily opportunities. It is much easier to master a skill when you use it frequently. Every social interaction can be another training opportunity for you. This is true whether you’re talking with your sibling or the cashier at your favorite grocery store.
Why should you do this? What are the benefits of validation?
1. Offer inclusivity. You can help people feel like they belong. The need to fit in is fundamental to human nature. Validating each other’s feelings helps everyone feel more respected and appreciated. Each person should be reminded that they have value just for being who they are.
2. Reduce conflicts. Validation will help let people know that you care about them and that their feelings matter. Fewer disagreements arise when people trust each other and demonstrate mutual good will.
3. Improve communications. In the absence of judging or casting blame, many more people will be eager to open up and share. Open-ended questions and supportive comments can also help promote more constructive dialogue between people.
4. Empower others. Authenticating another person’s feelings strengthens their capacity to resolve their own dilemmas. They may get some insights into their own underlying motivations and recurring patterns of behavior. This will help them adopt more constructive approaches and gain more confidence.
How to Validate
1. Listen fully. Start by giving the other person your full attention. Remove all distractions like cell phones and televisions and listen carefully with an open mind. Let people continue talking until they finish their story and provide all the facts. We did a series a while back on the art of listening. Find the first installment called “Just Look,” here.
2. Summarize what you hear. Reflect back to the person speaking what you think they said. That way they have an opportunity to clarify whether you understood the message correctly.
3. Label the emotions. Help the other person to sort through what they are really feeling. If emotions have been suppressed for a long time, it can often be difficult to make sense out of them. Someone may discover that they are still distressed by an incident that took place many years ago.
4. Consider the person’s history. Different individuals react differently to the same situations depending on their personality, life history, emotional makeup and other factors. A child who grows up in poverty may view money problems differently than one who had a wealthier background.
5. Validate the experience. Recognize the valid aspects of any experience. Ultimately, we all try to avoid suffering and keep ourselves happy. Even if you think a particular action shows poor judgment, you will probably still be able to find some aspect of the situation that you can relate to if you keep an open mind.
6. Show empathy. Let the other person know that you acknowledge their feelings on the deepest level that is genuine for you. If, for instance, you are both struggling to lose weight, you may feel a natural empathy. Even if they are disappointed by something that seems wierd to you, you can still muster some sensitivity to to their pain.
You can actively work to improve your relationships by getting better at providing authentic emotional validation. You will also learn to manage your own emotions better as you continue to help those around you to feel more connected, loved and that they matter.
What’s your best technique for validating or affirming others?
photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/whartz/1913603367/sizes/z/in/photostream/
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