Have you ever found yourself in a position where you felt you were doing everything you could to help someone yet their negative situation just got worse and worse? Have you ever felt like you were helping someone, but they keep falling into the same hole, over and over and over? If so, it’s possible that you were enabling the other person rather than helping them. You might be enabling whenever you’re trying to help someone, but your actions are, instead, you are making their situation worse.
Example
You have a friend and co-worker, Mary, and you have noticed that she has been drinking a little more than usual. Lately, she’s coming in late to work and asking you to cover for her. When the supervisor asks you where Maryis, you say, “She went to Human Resources to ask a question. She should be right back.”
After work, everyone goes out for drinks and snacks together. Mary doesn’t have any money so you offer to buy her beverages and she accepts. Later that evening, Mary admits to you that she hasn’t finished her part of a report that’s due tomorrow. Mary asks if you’ll finish her
partially completed work assignment. Although you’re tired and would rather go home and just relax, you agree to take the report home and type it up before tomorrow morning.
Unfortunately, even if you don’t mind offering your consistent aid, your efforts are ensuring that Mary doesn’t ever have to take responsibility for her actions.
What’s the Solution?
What can you do to break the cycle of enabling someone you care about? We all know that it is not easy to say, “No,” especially to people that we care deeply about. But, keep in mind that we are trying to help them. And, that is part of what friends do.
Helpful Steps:
1. Stop. Even though it’s your friend or loved one, picking up the slack for them is not helping them get better. Mary probably isn’t doing to stop drinking or get her work donr if she knows that you will support the habit and do the work.
2. Observe, instead. Rather than being so quick to jump in and put out every fire by offering to help, sit back and watch what happens. Notice patterns in the person’s behaviors. They will have to take one of a few paths:
- They will step up and get the job done
- They will be forced to admit that they have a real problem, or that they can’t actually get the work done.
- They will ignore you and your suggestions, spend time trying to convince you that you are incorrect in your assessment.
3. Listen. Stay informed by hearing how your friend or loved one feels. A good friend listens attentively. Consider listening an important act of caring. Make listening the most important aspect of your friendship, rather than doing.
4. Back off a little. Allow opportunity for your loved one to figure things out for themselves. Keep in mind that when you jump in and spontaneously offer your assistance all the time, the individual is robbed of opportunities to learn to resolve their own challenges. And they ususally possess the resources and mental faculties to get things done.
5. Decline any direct requests for help. Recognize that your continued efforts to pick up the slack now are setting up your friend or loved one for a big fall later. Accept that it’s better if it happens sooner – when the situation isn’t so far out of hand – than later. As hard as this is, sometimes we have to let people fall in the hole si that they will wake up and see for themselves that there is an issue.
Using the example above regarding Mary asking for your help with her report, you could say something like, “Oh, I’m so sorry, but I can’t finish your report. I need to pick up my daughter and do the laundry when I get home.” Then say nothing else. Yes, silence…
6. Recognize it’s not really your job to fix all of their troublesome situations; especially when they happen over and over again. When you decline to help, you’re silently placing the issue back squarely on their shoulders where it belongs. Remember, it’s not your situation; it belongs to them.
7. If none of the above tactics seem to flip the switch, then you only have one thing left to do. Disengage emotionally from the person. Once you understand what you’re doing, you’ll be better able to remain on the outside of your friend’s troubling events. Think of your friend and their issues as quicksand. Then, decide to remain outside of the area where you will get pulled in.
You have now made the decision that you will no longer allow yourself to get “sucked in” to your friend or loved one’s current crisis. You can still be their friend or confidante and spend time with them, if you choose. But you’ll avoid being pulled in to the fray of your friend’s ongoing drama. This is a hard and painful step. But I can almost guarantee that you will begin to feel lighter…eventually. When you disengage emotionally, applying all the above strategies is also much easier.
Be honest with yourself, first…
You know what? You may not be able to, or even want to take this drastic last step. And, that’s okay. All I’m reccomending is that you just be honest with yourself. You have now accepted the fact that you will be there for them whenever they need help, and everytime they find themselves in a jam. And that’s okay, if it works for you. You will also now know what to do if and when it stops working well.
However, if you believe you’re caught up in the cycle of helping a friend or loved one too much, step back and examine your relationship with the person. Then, try applying the strategies above to stop enabling their self-destructive behaviors. As your loved one’s world becomes more overwhelming to them, it should encourage them to seek more direct assistance in resolving their underlying issues.
Thoughts?
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